A New Body

I had the pleasure of fitting back into my favorite pair of jeans last week. It was a truly glorious moment! I am still over 10 lbs up from my pre-pregnancy weight, so fitting into my jeans (with hardly a muffin top this time) was a monumental moment. Up til now I've been either avoiding wearing jeans, or wearing the one pair I bought to get me by until I could fit into my jeans.

pregnant at 14 weeks

I have noticed though that my body shape and size is forever altered by what my body went through to create and bring a little human into this world. My hips are wider, my thighs are jigglier, my breasts are bigger and my stomach is pooch-ier.

pregnant at 23 weeks

Some people have said to me that if I'm depressed about my body, just look at my son and be happy. But it doesn't exactly work that way, nor would I want it to. That seems like a lot of pressure to put on a 4 month old baby! I need to come to terms with my new body for myself, not for my son. It is true that creating life is nothing short of a miracle and I am so grateful for my son, and yes, I will say he is worth it. But I cannot base my happiness on him. I need to change my perspective - a new mindset for a new body, if you will.

pregnant at 30 weeks

It has taken me these four months to get to this place though. And everyday is about surrender - giving up my desires and wants for what I have now. I can look at bikini-clad women and allow myself to wallow in depression and self-pity because not only will my body never be that small again, but with all the stretch marks I got during pregnancy, I will never bare my stomach in public either!

my body three years ago

For the first couple months, I was depressed, and I suppose that is to be expected. I'd never before hated my body, and now I did. I cried while swimsuit shopping, I cried while shopping for a pair of jeans when I realized that at Target I fit into a size 15, and I used to be a size 8. I cried when my husband wanted to touch my stomach, I cried even if he told me I was beautiful.

This is how I got to where I am now: a daily surrendering of the mind.

I eat healthy. I focus on vegetables, fruits (mainly organic), protein (steak, chicken, beef, nuts), dairy, little grains and little sugar. I am on the right path for a healthy body. I now work out 3x a week for an hour each. My sister commented the other day that I looked like I lost weight, I hadn't, and she said I definitely looked more toned. Here I had been so absorbed in hating my body, I hadn't realized that my body WAS responding to all this hard work - even though the numbers didn't show it.

Now my new body is more about being healthy than it is about achieving a specific number.

Body at my wedding - May 2010

At my wedding I was 140 lbs, I loved how I looked!
Pre-pregnancy I was between 160-163.
The day I gave birth I had swelled to a grand 199 lbs.
The first week I lost 15 lbs, and have been stuck around 180 lbs since.
Now, at 4 mos post-partum I am at 175 lbs.

I wanted to at least be at my pre-pregnancy weight but for now I tell myself that being healthy is better than being thinner. Being healthy is what I need to concern myself with, not a number on the scale. And that is something I can do for my son, my husband AND for me.

Our little family on Mothers Day this year